Gym Faux Pas to Avoid

I have a feeling this article is going to be an important piece of literature. Perhaps even required reading for my clients. Finally, a place we speak openly and honestly without fear of judgement. Oh wait, there will be plenty of judgment. In fact this article is probably 98% judgment. According to Google’s dictionary (is there any other kind these days?) a faux pas is “an embarrassing or tactless act or remark in a social situation”. Is the gym a social situation? Unfortunately yes. Sorry extroverts, not all of us live for the conversation between sets….

In today’s article I am letting loose on a topic that has plagued me for years. Consequently, my list of faux pas has only grown during this time. I’m not sure if this blog widget has a word count limit, we may just bust through it. We will certainly hit our sarcasm quota for the day. Without further adieu, let’s discuss what is surely to be a titillating topic for dinner time conversation. You are welcome for that tasty alliteration.

Gym Faux Pas….in no particular order, mostly just the ramblings of a mad woman:

1) GLOVES

How can gloves be a faux pas? Hmm…let’s see…how about when training legs….on a MACHINE. If you are the person wearing gloves performing quad extensions it is possible that not even your cat respects you. Cats are classy like that. Outside of barbell work (and maybe even then) you have no right to wear gloves when your arms are at rest. I am fairly biased (really Mel? couldn’t tell…) against gloves in general. You want soft hands? You’re in the wrong place. Barbell work hurts your hands, because they (you) are soft. You need calluses. Calluses are tiny badges of honour that say, I don’t need gloves I’m tough AF and grip barbells with my BARE HANDS. Guess what? Sometimes they rip and BLEED and that is even cooler. Too grizzly? Ok fair. There are some people who genuinely prefer having hands softer than a baby’s bottom and if that is a concern of yours GET OUT OF THE GYM. No, I’m kidding. I have had several clients who cannot stand calluses so they instead choose to wear gloves to protect their hands. To each their own. The problem is, most people wear gloves because they have difficulty gripping the bar which only improves by GRIPPING the bar with your bare hands and….that’s right! sprouting calluses.

2) EXCESSIVE LOTIONING

Ok this is more of a locker room faux pas but really applies to men and women equally (from what I hear). If you are the person who feels the need to lotion their inner thighs post shower, it’s best you do it at home. Am I the only one who has been accosted by the lotion lord/lady in their captain morgan’s pose as they attempt to make small talk about the weather? I don’t know WHY you brought a HAND towel from home but it is not covering ANYTHING. Wait, did you even bring a towel? Oh, you threw it over your shoulder (like a continental solider)? Cover up. I am not a prude by any means but there is some excessive nakedness that I wouldn’t choose to subject myself to. Especially at what should be a happy place, the gym!

3) EXCESSIVE USE OF 10LB PLATES

I do not know WHAT the attraction is to 10lb plates but they must have an addictive quality about them. There is always at least one lad/lass who refuses to go up a plate size and instead piles on 10lb plates like they are going out of style. If you have more than TWO tens on either side of the bar, SIZE UP. Nothing more irritating than searching around for these little fellers meanwhile buddy in the corner has 40lbs in tens crammed onto either side of the EZ bar for his set of shrugs. I have such a vivid image in my mind it makes me shudder.

4) CIRCUS ACTS ON THE SMITH MACHINE

Ah the smith machine. Whoever smith is he/she must be rich. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a gym that didn’t have one of these bad boys. It’s like the ultimate attraction for people who like to do things wrong. Something about the freedom of sliding that bar up and down in its protective rails gets the imagination going wild. I have seen people hanging from/on/around/about the smith machine in an attempt to accomplish something a dumbbell or barbell simply can’t give them. That’s because exercises with barbells and dumbbells have to make sense (for the most part). The smith machine affords far too much freedom of mind when it comes to creating exercises. You probably feel very clever inventing your own insane exercises but just know for the rest of us in the gym, we are WORRIED about you. It’s like watching a train wreck….you just can’t look away. Approach the smith machine with caution and intent. Just because you can do an exercise doesn’t mean you should.

5) SEE-THROUGH PANTS

You may think I’m preaching to the ladies here but I have seen some things…terrible things from men in light grey sweats and white gym shorts. You may LOVE how comfortable your old faithfuls are but all good things must come to an end. That favourite pair of shorts/pants/shants….when was the last time you tested their opacity? A REAL friend would say something to you at the gym if they say your netherbits through your slacks but guess what? Real friends are hard to come by. For the ladies who were tricked into buying cheap leggings that look cute AF until you bend over and the world sees your 7th planet from the sun….I feel for you. Nowadays it’s practically irresponsible not to bend over in a change room and give your rear a solid once over for any transparency. But this is not news! No one should be showing up at the gym unaware their bottoms are see-through. Do us all a favour and do the squat test before you come to the gym.

6) THE LOOK-AT-ME NOISES

We have all experience a particularly challenging set/rep or that brought out in us something we didn’t know we had…a noise we weren’t sure we could even make….something….primal. And THAT is admirable folks. If you found a piece of yourself only the apemen would recognized, congratulations I believe you pushed the limits of your potential that day. HOWEVER, most other noises, the HISSSSSSSSS, the MOAN, the GRUNT, the SNARL, the ORGASM OOHS and AAHS…..98% of those are for show. We SEE you, we HEAR you, now shut up. Remember the gym is a public place and as happy as I am for you to be curling your 10lb dumbbells, I do NOT need to fill my ears with your attention-seeking outbursts. People who drop weights are in this same camp. You’re telling me you could LIFT 400lbs for 5 reps but THEN you had to drop it from the top of a deadlift? Malarkey. Unless you are Olympic lifting with BUMPER plates, don’t be the arse dropping steel plates or expensive dumbbells on the gym floor. Gym owners, I feel for you, that sh*t is expensive and replacing it constantly would suck. Attract attention with your impressive form or weight on the bar, not with your hissing.

7) GYM BAGS ON THE FLOOR

Two kinds of people in this world. Those that put their sh*t in the cubbies provided and those that think their gym bag has such important crap in there that it must stay with them at all times. I do NOT want to trip over your crap. Bring a lock, put it in a locker or DON’T BRING IT IN. This was a simple one but worth noting.

8) NOT RE-RACKING YOUR WEIGHTS

NOBODY likes to put away their weights but guess what? We do it ANYWAY. That is literally what being an adult is all about. Doing stuff you don’t want to do because you have to (see: working for a living). You have ZERO justification not to put away a stack of plates after literally lifting them off the ground for exercise….the FINAL set is putting that crap away. And no, you don’t bury the 10lb plates behind the 45s. Be considerate. I don’t have OCD but when someone puts the 15lb dumbbells back in the 10 spot….it makes me twitch. Like HOW does your brain let you do that? Mine would go into full spasm. But then again….I like rules.

9) NIPPLES

I have yet to read a gym dress code that covers the male nipple. I’m not sure why though as many dress codes ban women from wearing crop tops and yet a man’s nips can slip out of his stringy tang top and no one bats an eye. A stringer tank top is literally 10 square inches of material short of a man being entirely shirtless and I am not sure how or why that is ok. I don’t care how many beer caps you can twist with your biceps Gaston, put your nips away like the rest of us have to. To be fair, I also wouldn’t want to see a ladies nips oot and aboot at the gym. The real problem with exposed men’s nips is that the armpit comes with it. Now we are talking sweat drips straight from the pit onto the bench I am about to lie down on…..and you know the people with nips out are not the ones wiping down their equipment after….

10) THE SHAKER CUP

Maybe you enjoy a little branch-chained aminos in between sets that’s wonderful and probably very tasty…what is that blue raspberry? Yum! Or MAYBE you are the guy who rattles his shaker cup like a nervous twitch. The sound pleases your ears so much that you literally cannot stop shaking it. It is not cement. You can put your shaker down. There is always at least one person at the gym who has been shaking their cup throughout their entire conversation with someone. Do they take a sip? No. But the shaking never stops. Sometimes I wonder if there is even anything in the cup or if these people fall under the attention-seeking noise maker category. Either way, it is not a rattle and you are not an infant. Shake, sip, put DOWN.

Ok before I turn into a full rage monkey I think we will stop here. Obviously this article is just for fun, because there are a million annoying things people do at the gym and this article couldn’t possibly cover all of them! Do you have any gym faux pas that drive you insane? Do you agree with what I said? Hopefully you aren’t “that guy” but if you are, I hope this article is the first step in your rehabilitative process. Know someone who needs to read this? Please share. Hopefully the gym can be a safe place free of judgment for us all…until then judgement is all we have.

Cheers,

Coach P.