Mom Guilt

IF YOU ARE A MOM YOU WILL HAVE GUILT, THAT IS A FACT.

Specifically you will have Mom Guilt. Unlike regular guilt, this guilt only applies to Moms. Sorry men there is no such thing as Dad guilt. You seem to go about your merry lives without care. Meanwhile Moms feel bad for closing the door when they use the washroom. Like what IS that?!

Mom Guilt describes the feeling you get whenever you make choices regarding your child - or yourself for that matter because the moment you become a Mom your identity changes forever.

There is no more you, just a single gal in the big city makin her way down town, walkin fast, faces pass and you’re homebound. No Vanessa Carlton, just you - the Mom - which means you are mostly responsible for your wee one. I say mostly because there are likely times when your partner is mostly responsible and you are not. But you are never not responsible. Do you see what I mean? Kids are forever. Being a Mom is forever. Mom Guilt is forever.

DID YOU KNOW IT STARTS IN PREGNANCY?

Side note, do you consider yourself a Mom when you get pregnant or more of a Mom-to-be that becomes #offish when the baby is born? These are the deep thoughts that keep me up at night….Back to pregnancy. The moment you pee that little plus sign on a stick the guilt sets in. Honestly maybe even before that…when/if you were trying to conceive. Let’s say you weren’t trying to get pregnant, in that case the guilt is immediate. You find yourself asking the Google God how many tequila shots you can drink before the embryo can taste them? What about that really hot bath you took a week ago….did you unknowingly cook the blastocyst a little long?! This is the Mom guilt. It’s like all of a sudden every decision you make affects the LIVELIHOOD of your CHILD. Whereas Dad is over here drinking a second glass of vino while he puts back the soft cheese and cured meats - a known triple threat to a growing fetus!

Is it worse if you were trying to get pregnant? Interesting question. If you weren’t trying, the guilt is retrospective. You immediately go into analysis mode tracing your foot steps through the last 4 weeks since your last period….what about this? what about that? did this harm the baby?! etc…depends how you look at it but the ‘damage’ is done so the Mom Guilt can only be dealt with via acceptance….and possibly doing less tequila shots moving forwards….Ok back to the question if you were trying to get pregnant the guilt sets in far sooner than that positive pee stick. No saunas, no hot tubs, no soft cheese, no alcohol, no deli meat, no second cup of coffee, no belly flops…like really the list goes on. Now let’s put the evidence aside for a moment because it’s pretty weak if not non-existent on a lot of these recommendations. Instead, let’s focus on the FEAR they instil. If your care provider says don’t eat deli meat because you could get listeria and it could harm the baby what do you do as Mom? Rationally weight the odds and make a decision that is best for you and baby? Maybe. More likely you stress the hell out worrying what if you did something that harmed the baby? You shrivel in fear and put down the ham sammich. You look at the calendar….just a measly 9 months. You can do anything for 9 months, you tell yourself, even give up ham.

THE POINT IS MOM GUILT AFFECTS YOU RIGHT FROM THE GET GO.

Dads continue about their lives while you start your elimination diet. If you’re particularly unlucky you’ll be blessed with the opinions of strangers about what you should/shouldn’t be doing for the duration of your pregnancy. Oh don’t eat this….are you sure you should be doing that? Did you hear about the Mom who - fill in the blank here - and her baby got - fill in blank here -?! Have you considered x, y, z?! Yes. Go away. No one should be more worried about your baby than YOU the MOM. So don’t take that crap. We all feel enough guilty enough as it is we don’t need anyone piling it on. Especially not our partners. Your partner should be a yes person. Yes you are doing great, yes you can do it, yes I believe in you, yes I will massage your feet again. They don’t carry the child or come close to carrying the emotional burden of being the one to do it. It’s not their fault, it’s just really hard to explain what growing a person is like. Oh, and you’re not selfish for wanting to live your life the way you used to before pregnancy or baby. Yes it is a first world problem to be concerned about giving up ham (can you tell I like ham? Jesus that is like the third reference) but your emotions are still valid. Just because you are a little frustrated with your new found restrictions doesn’t mean you are taking growing a person for granted. Read that twice. You are not taking it for granted. That being said, you don’t get to b*tch about these things incessantly. Your partner will grow tired of your ham desires. Speaking from experience.

Ok let’s fast forward. Pregnancy is obvious, you make sacrifices and that’s all fine and dandy because the moment your wee one is born you know it’s game on with the soft cheeses and boozey coffees….just kidding…if you’re breastfeeding some restrictions still apply but more on that in another post. However, when baby is born it’s a whole new set of concerns. The most immediate one is how to feed your child. Cue extreme guilt re: breastfeeding. “Breast is best” will haunt you. Heaven forbid you struggle to breastfeed because you would think formula is poison the way it is portrayed by breastfeeding enthusiasts. Feeding is a huge source of Mom Guilt. Whether you can’t or choose not to breastfeed is your business and no one else’s and yet those words feel hollow. Being ok with your decisions as a Mom is something YOU need to get comfortable with. It is not easy, I don’t think it ever will be. At some point you will reach your limit for hearing other people’s opinions….and you will take pride in doing what is best for YOUR family. Only you know what that is. Getting to that point is not easy though.

MOM GUILT SEEPS INTO EVERY CREVICE OF YOUR LIFE.

It’s relentless and so too must be your pursuit of shedding it. It’s a practice you have to cultivate. One of the best things you can do to tackle Mom Guilt is to speak to yourself like you’d speak to a friend. If one of your besties was going through what you are going through how would you treat her? What would you say? What words would you use? Guaranteed you’d be more gentle on her than you’re being on yourself. Practice self-compassion like it is your job. Be the Mom you want to be. Is she brave? Daring? Confident? Calm and collected? Or is she shameful, embarrassed, guilty, and afraid? I doubt it. At any one point in time you have two voices in your head. The “should” voice telling you all the things you should be thinking, doing. and saying and the other voice, which is usually much quieter telling you it’s ok, it’s ok to feel the way you do, to think the thoughts you are thinking, to want to do the things you want to do…it’s ok. The should voice often deafens the it’s ok voice. You have to listen really carefully to hear it. There is a great story about the two wolves inside us. It goes like this:

One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, “my son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace love, hope serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson though about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “the one that you feed.”

I’D LIKE TO THINK IF THIS STORY WERE ABOUT MOMS IT’D GO LIKE THIS:

One afternoon (before school pickup) a Mom leaned over her cubicle and told her coworker (also a Mom) about a battle that goes on inside Mothers.

She said, “Karen, the battle is between two dance Moms inside us all. One is encouraging, supportive, kind, warm, brave, compassionate, and strong..

The other is living her dance fantasies vicariously through her own child, full of greed, hate, judgment of other Moms, and self-loathing.

Karen thought about it for a minute, sipping her herbal tea and then asked the wise Mom, “which dance Mom wins?”

The wise Mom replied “Likely the pushy one…but for the purpose of this story….the dance Mom you pay attention to.”

KIDDING ASIDE, FEED THE WOLF.

The one who makes you strong, confident, assured in your decisions and most importantly, supportive of others doing the same. The one things all Moms need less of is judgment from other Moms. We need love, respect, encouragement and reassurance. At the end of the day we are all just doing our best.

Did I #momsplain the sh*t out of that? Toss me a like or share this article so I know my late night musings are being enjoyed by someone other than my breast pump.

Cheers,

Coach P